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Depression

I feel like it's been a really long time. Indeed many things have happened.

In term of work, I expressed my intention to resign to my boss and she informed the 2 other partners. My boss spent hours to convince me to stay, so I did. Things are weird now. I try to survive the 9 months and just be nothing and do nothing afterward.

In term of emotion, I can't trust my psychiatrist and psychologist. I took MC for a day and I got sudden cancellation of appointment without informing reason and follow up. To me it is like asking someone who has heart attack to wait without giving reason.

I get that mental health does not seem like something as serious as physical health, but it is so true if you ever experience it, then you would understand.

New lawyer coming in next Monday, this weekend I do not have signing. Just for this weekend I think. When September is here, things are gonna get very wild and crazy.

I am solely counting my days. Everyday I wake up I think of how to survive toda…

要是我又回到了中文

我已良久未于部落格中使用中文书写,感觉有点陌生。

长话短说的话,现在的我并不快乐。

但何属喜,孰为乐?

我不想工作。可能这是一个很没用的人才会说的话。我自问不是个从不努力的人。

我有点努力够了,只想舒服些生活的阶段。

我这阶段大概来得有点过早。

我怎么总觉得怎么没休息够。考试也是很损伤心灵的事。我怎么不给自己领个三个月以上的假期?我绝对配得起这三个月的休息。

就算没有工作和读书,我根本没有休息。家里的琐事和应付吾爹的古怪日常需求我就快要疯了。于这种层面而言工作还能有收入。

另一个问题是,我怎喜爱退而求其次。

经济状况不好,失业率高是事实。我就被这同一个理由坑进不同的黑洞。

既然已经开了头,这一切已是不争的事实。我有点担心自己。

虽然我不认为自己的想法正面,大概我亦不愿承认是负面。感觉就是事实。

这九个月我是必须要熬过去的。除非我临阵窜逃。

心态上有点儿矛盾。很正面地鼓励自己,自觉一片谎言。倘若任由自己继续往下沉,仍旧改变不了度日如年之感。

心底话是觉得每件新事件都是学习。然而于我任何进展,勿论快慢,但求前进。我不觉得需要日日加班,周末回公司的死拼。

如果把事情想成只是为了自己,不是为了公司,自是平衡些。至少在这个时间点我晓得自己对加班不是心甘情愿。我厌倦于实践非自愿的事情。

老板肯定内心不悦。至于是否要屈服,我着实还未拿捏着结论。也许最后我就屈服了。

倘若我能撑完这九个月的光景,大概我也不会入行。或许这种想法实在言之过早。然字字从心,句句属坦。

New life, not necessarily better or worse

I enjoy today is Saturday. Though I have things to do for work.

I have to write a pupillage journal upon my master's request on daily basis. So yea I might not be free.

I am not free.

People in my firm could work from 9 am to 1 am, that is not uncommon.

So I believe legal profession can be a stressful profession. My law degree and CLP indeed serve me not much in this reality.

My pupillage journal is for the firm record, imagine how do I write it. Too personal, bad. Too professional, I do not know how to do that. Any complain, are you sure you wanna write it down?

Other pupil doesn't has to do it, because she is under another master. Honestly do I like doing it? Half half.

I feel my master concern and care about my progress. And it is for tracking purpose.

My sister told me I am too negative, and I thought if that is reality might as well be true about it. Life sucks. It doesn't mean it is giving up I guess. Even if it is, then what?

Don't ever talk about feelings with…

Why can't you believe in yourself

Does it really matter if until the day you're dead, almost nobody find out about your blog? It never gets famous, it never affect much people, less than 5 of the world population.

Is it sad? Is it bad? Would you lost the interest to write?

I admit it is a defeating thought and fact.

Now I want you focus on the question. Why can't you believe in yourself? 

You may not want to start with this. It is going to be long mind battle. To keep compact, why should I believe in myself?

It is not like I am a scholarship holder or I did anything extraordinary in my life or contribute some unique stuff to the human kind.

I do not think many people ever highly value me. If ever I think they haven't know the real me. Or sooner later I am going to fail them fundamentally.

But this is never about anyone else. This is only about you. Do you like yourself? Do you like who you are?

You are talented. You belittle yourself unnecessarily. The world is not going to stop punching and smacking you,…

I can't write

I look at my laptop today, and I thought I am sorry. I haven't been making much use of you. I love the way the keyboard works. I love typing on my laptop keyboard and started writing.

I forgot the transition period from handwriting to keyboard typing. The days I used to manually insert papers full of my handwriting to an envelope and post it to the Newspaper publisher.

I am usually a person with a plan and I do not take much risk. It can be boring. However for writing I rarely plan things out in my mind. I never have a draft version for the script. Be it in an exam or any writing occurs in my life.

Some told me, your writing has no focus. Your writing isn't organised. The messages you're trying to deliver are vague and disorientated.

I never quite take it seriously. My tiny little fragile ego gets hurt easily and all it ever does is simply walk away.

What does writing mean to you? If you were to be honest with me.

I forgot how long has it been, I can confirm it's not …

Crap Car Insurance

First thing first, I am not every happy now. My car insurance agent is pretty much incompetent to me. Next year I won't be purchasing my insurance from him anymore.
It took forever for them to get the official police report for me then to find a workshop. Now after a week vacation at Sri Lanka they still failed to initiate the repair process for me, which is frustration.
I will have to take grab to work for April, imagine the extra cost I would have to incur for myself.
Move on from that, I just came back from a week trip from Sri Lanka. I only managed to visit Colombo. When I got home the weather is bad thus I had some difficult time on board. Anyway I reached home safely despite some vomiting in the airport toilet proven inevitable.
April gonna start working, not sure how I should feel about it. I guess it should be cool. Before a flight can fly on the sky it requires some warming up and speeding on the ground, now is exactly the speeding time on ground.
I have to take a few da…

Let the pass die.If you must, kill it

How do I ever live with it? This life.
I know. You have shelter. You have family that care for you. You have some friends. You have a bright future ahead of you. You can be a lawyer, and life has so much more to offer. You are talented. You can be anything.
There are times I have this immerse hopelessness in me. It is like you are walking in the sea. Your mind at times can get cloudy. You lose focus way too soon. If there isn’t some form of excitement or fun that keep inside my mind, I do not find any strength to do anything productive. I just want to lie there and be dead. Another part of myself hate it so much, you cannot just not do anything.
I can’t deal with any religious thought for more than 10 seconds. I could have burn them all. Rational side of me told me to calm down and walk away whenever I can, do not cause a mess. You still need to live in this world. If you are dead tomorrow then doesn’t matter what you did today.
I wanted to deal with my EPF nomination and got two witnesse…