Bad person line

Currently this is the book I am reading since yesterday. Reading do makes me feel happy.

Today's run and my leg sort of feeling pain and I think I needed rest so tomorrow should be a day off from running.

If there is  line to be drawn, in most circumstances I might think that I am a good person. I am not a saint, but I usually try not to be rude to people. I don't swear that much and I never have the direct intention to hurt anybody.

Yet there is this thing that bother me and make me feel not so good to myself.

I do not treat everyone equally. There are some people that I will be much better to them than anyone else. There are occasions where people are not with malice and try to get close to me [ relationship or bonding] as friend, I tend not to like it. I will reject, I will walk away and etc.

I do not want to meet them frequently even if they are good people. I think some part of me do question on why are they so free all the time and wanted to invite me to hang out with them that frequent?

I think this is the friendly sign by others who really want to be close to you, isn't it what friends do? Maybe this is some kind of abstract psychological reaction or syndrome. I used to feel it that way to my ex boyfriend, which end up it makes me conclude that I do not love him and I am a bad girlfriend thus he deserves a much better person than me.

Isn't it strange? I don't hate someone and not mind hanging out with them sometimes. By sometimes I mean maximum one day a week or better, twice a month. I do not want to reject them too many times and I tend to just go out with them due to my numerous rejection turn on my guilty mood.

Due to my phenomena like this one, if one day I do find someone I wanted to meet everyday or more frequently and the other person likes me and want to do the same too, maybe that is what call love and affection.

Many things you think you are good at, when times passes you will end up realizing you are not that good, or you have never been good at it.


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