A half confession

Ironic

I feel ironic.

Well, how do I explain this? About where I am now. Who I am and the people around me.

I am a LLB holder and I am doing my CLP now. I would not believe it if you tell you this is how it gonna be when I was 9. It seems more realistic when I was 15,

Nonetheless I do not think this is what I should be doing.

The boundary between [should] and [shouldn't] only gets muddier when I grow more age.

Too many things are simply overrated. Filial piety isn't a dead end responsibility. We care and love our parents and family, this is the reason we take care and accompany them at the hard time. Not because how the society will see us, how people will say about us. And parents should stop using it like an authority supreme access card to push their children to the cliff.

Moral judgement and all sort. Respect has to be earn.

Do I like it

Do I like who I am now and where I am now? The answers ain't absolute.

There are so many things that could upset me. There are so many things I know I should make improvement on.

Overall I know myself slightly better than I was in the past. I gain a little bit more bravery along the way.


Aged 9

It has been years I have forgotten the incident happened when I was 9. I drowned myself and my mother, sister can't swim. They can't help me.

I was getting there to stop breathing and they were too stunned to ask for help. A native teenager saved me. I survived.

If I were dead at the age of 9, I might end up on a page of the next day newspaper. I will be over.

Only that I didn't. When I think back now, shouldn't I be braver. To stay for a little more time and fight a little bit harder?

Instead of accepting what people judgement on something and tell myself this is going to be dangerous, you will ruin your life.

You have no life to ruin if you had been found dead when you were 9.

Riding a bicycle 

My brother borrowed a bicycle for his girlfriend. 

It's been years since I last ride a bicycle. I was never good at it.

I tried it today and I keep telling myself you are going to be okay. Then I realised I could get so much better if I don't feel extra panic whenever a car approaches me and stop immediately. It will cause me to lost my balance and everything. 

I could have slow down, stay calm and get through it.

Maybe if you do want to feel like you can control your life, you have to stop letting your fear control you. The fear stops you from thinking of the possibilities and not to mention acting on it.

Run again

I run extra slow today. Still I am glad that I am running.

I finally did run again.


It feels good to be able to run again. I am not a good runner, not a good looking or fit one. Yet to be that is still something.

I don't have a choice
You know how people like to say it. I don't have a choice, it is a mistake....

You made the choice some how you did.

I hate this work but I do not have a choice to stay. Yes, you do. The bills are there and all the problems would still be there, you have to solve them. But you have a choice.

Maybe it seems like you don't. But you do. You make the choice to marry this person and this job and whatever it is. Then you choose to stay with them even if you say it hated them.

Perhaps you don't hate it so much, you just like to talk about it that way. Or you need more courage to leave and make a new road for yourself.

Liar

Do you hate liar?

Maybe you would hate me, although I hope you don't. I am a lovely and warm person. This is not a lie.

Honesty is overrated sometimes. I say this not because I think it is so okay to lie.

Only that I won't dismiss a person immediately just because they lie before and after. We do so many compassionate lies on a daily basis.

Yet I have to make a confession here. People who lies without the intention to cause losses or harm other people could still lie for many other reasons, mostly are innocent reasons when you look down at it.

Insecurity, thinking you would like me more if I window dress myself to be like this and that.

Privacy, I just want to keep it for myself and if my answer is going to open up the curiosity trigger of yours, I am going to give a different answer.

We lie about we are happy and we are good, because no one really care. It is a common way of greeting someone.

I lie for insecurity, I lie for the sake of fearing the silence could eat me up when I was with people. I know it is wrong. I shouldn't feel it that way. I like to lead the conversation to feel safe for myself.

I tend to talk fast scaring people would lose their interest on me fast and then I will turn into a loser.

This is me, I have to be honest with myself and it is not okay to be like this forever.

It is not easy for me to stop running and do confrontation. I always have that feeling that I am not good enough. I can't have that in my mind, and this is now I have to fight for myself. 

TO BE MYSELF.

Weakness

If I get panic, nervous and acting extra fast, in a way I am losing myself and this is going to be weakness for people to take me out so easily.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

你是我的

2 ways out

Exhausted