I can/ I can't
I can't run today, it is tiring. Wake up at 7 am, leave home at 8 am drove to college. Enter into the wrong parking, end up in a right building and rush to class. Lecturer's late and etc.
After class met with a friend talk for few hours, get home exhausted.
Remember the days I have been reminding you to not let anything define who you are and your value?
It is rather difficult you know?
Something happened today, not pretty big but it is kind of big for me.
I just out myself to a friend, without planning.
I could say it is because I was too tired. After long classes and everything I just let it out.
Deep inside I know something is different, not like a super giant twist but it is different. A phrase in a show empower me a little.
The character says to another person, [ I am not ashamed of who I am now, but I used to be. I always knew it, I just couldn't admit it.]
And I talk to myself, are you ashamed of who you are? I said no. Then I got this question,:[ Then why are you trying so hard to act and say something you know it is untrue. And keep it as a secret from everybody?]
I would say I needed space, and be ready.
Then I look back, my secret is eating me bit by bit. If I am ashamed of myself of something I could change then I should confront it and fix it.
But when it comes to something I can't even if I tried, who I love isn't going to define me either. I can't deliberately hurt another person anymore.
The feeling isn't entirely a very happy and exciting moment. It feels naked, it feels like a part of my soul is ripped and exposure to the sunlight. However I do think it is a good thing. When you exercise it more, it is a bit like muscles.
You will be okay with people not being okay with it, and you lost nothing. You will be more okay with yourself that despite people don't like me then, so what's the matter? And that would applies to other part of my life too.
This is not going to solve everything for me, I know it by my heart but it does makes a difference, today and in long term.
What should start changing
I don't know the way I interact with people because I am always nervous. I say things that I think I should have say and I want to uncover my clumsiness and everything. I want to change that. I need to be calm and beware of everything that comes out of me or receive upon.
I need to structure my mind.
Next anything that happened has happened, stop thinking it back. Give your brain blank space to remind you what's really important at the moment and get deal of things you need to done in hand.
I don't like the way I walk, same nervous issue. I will create more awareness.
I don't like my diet, I will change. You want to be a vegetarian, try to avoid meat as possible, do it.
I don't like my sleeping hours. Sleep early and get up early.
As for life, I have told you each day is dynamic, it may not be so inspiring but it is going to be different and flowing. Like the mistakes you made today, you will learn from it.
In fact you should start trying more things and made more mistakes to get comfort from that.
At the end of the day mistakes shouldn't define you. It is your life,you only live once. Sometimes you do think you have something extraordinary to give to the world and that could just be so true.
All of this do not happen to be fearless. In fact there is so much fear that it scares me a lot.
Even now there are times I am doubting all my decisions now and if CLP is a right choices. I hate the feeling of covering a lie with another, of not being a true person.
I am more fearful that I go so good at lying at myself eventually I couldn't distinguish the real desire for me to do something is being cover by a chart of risk taking and moving backward.