espero que te guste [I Hope You Like it]

Caminata corta[Short walk]


It helps clear my mind. I hate Sunday so much, because I will have literally back to back classes, from 9 am to 6 pm.

Today is different. I smacked my tomtom and its glasses had cracked to an unrecoverable state. 

Today is not bad. I can walk, I can run and do anything as I like. Regardless the speed and I have all the time in the world to do it. In addition I am just with myself.

¿Son malos padres?[Are they bad parents?]

I always have this reflection come from my parents. Whatever they do and whoever they are, I keep it to myself the reflection of how I want it from them, thus how I can be a better mother if I ever chose to be one.

I felt hurt, pressured and left out. 

My mother always made me feel I am not a child my parents wanted to have in the first place. No matter who I am and how I will be, they didn't want me at first,before I was born.

Then my mum always wanted me to be ready, I am a child born out of wedlock and he has family full with children, he may leave us in any second.

What I should do or should never do, be or not be has to live up to the standard that my father would want of me. I can't cause the family to be ashamed. By this, the FAMILY means all the relatives within the bloodline. After all none of them think my mum made a decent choice on my dad, worse is to have me born into this world.

I hate all of this, because I want people to like me but they never will. The harder I try, the sadder I feel.

I never like the character of Alex Karev in Grey's anatomy, but he might be a good parent based on the portray of his character. In one of the episode there is a father who said the mother of the child is going to die of cancer and he never think he could be a good parent without the child's mother.

Alex told him, [Based on my experiences dealing with all the minor patients and parents, they are only one thing that is essential for you to be a good parent, it is be there. Be there for your child and everything will end up okay.]

It makes me starts to think, my parents are there. It might be better if I am that type of classic rebellion and trouble kid then maybe I can test them more.

I always have this feelings that my parents will disown me whenever I did something so wrong, like pregnancy before marriage or drugs, etc. They will give up on me. I am already a good kid and it never seems enough to them. 

But it never happens and it is all my assumption. Then I slowly figure out things and started to me honest to myself. I tried talk to them in a far fetch hypothetical manner and none of them seem to accept the concept if someone is gay, maybe bisexual could have been better. I am not surprise though.

Then I started to prepare myself, I don't need them. I can live my own life, and I need to keep some distance to make sure when that confrontation happens I don't feel that hurt. I don't want to let them know if I can because they may not live long enough to see it by themselves.

Just that maybe all the preparation is good, but also I should at least give them a chance, maybe they will stay or they have stay long enough in my life to be a parents. They tried.

Soy como un gato[I am like a cat]

Interestingly cat has this thing, they also need to feel they have the right to choose. 

I think I have that thing in me too. I think somehow I will finish the CLP [Mother of all examinations at least in Malaysia]. I will want to do that, I can't let myself run away like a coward.

But I may not stop thinking about it, and telling others how much urge that my gut is telling me to run, RUN AND NEVER COME BACK!

It is true, I do want to run. Then I will create all these scenes in my head of what are my alternative choices and how things might end up if I took the other path. None of them seems to bad at a look.

I need to feel that I have these choices with me. I especially need that now. Sometimes I used the [telling your mind it is this or dead] situation to force me through some path or this time I might need the exact different approach for it to work.

I guess at the end of the day we need to feel that we somehow still have the right to choose, even when we already made some choices in our life.

Que es una cita [ What is a date?]

We live in a way that we automatically will want to impress people around us, for people to like me.

In a date we usually make it like a performance show. We try our best to bring out the best qualities that we have, or if necessary fake some.

Like at the end of the day we can win something from the other side. Sometimes I just feel that a date may just be an occasion for me to relax and get to know this person in front of me.

It is hard to be so relax and so yourself when that happen but it is necessary I guess. Life is already a chaos and if personal life required that kind of combat as well, I can't help to think I should just go home and sleep instead of using my time for some connection purpose.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Pequeños cambios [Little changes]

你是我的

Blindfold me if it works