I am this person

Funny thing

Memories are manipulated largely by our sub conscious.

When I actually confront myself the likely truth that I am a lesbian, the memories of my relevant past slowly show up.

Like when I was 7 I had this girl friend that every time I see her I can't stop myself to have this really big smile. I was really, deeply, thoroughly happy to see her, just seeing her there.

It can be such romantic thing when the thing that can make you feel like you are the happiest person on earth is simply someone else presence, by doing nothing.

For all the crushes I had, the friendship did go well. Maybe I screw them up on purpose, unconsciously.

It is funny how I do the same on my relationship with guys. It makes me kind of able to relate to the show of [ Rookie Blue] when Gail said to Holly. [I am like a cat. I climbed up to the top of the tree and I do not know how to get down therefore I created an emergency situation, to get out of the relationship.]

Sometimes I feel good just to be single, although this is not entirely my desire. At least I am not a party to a relationship that can't do fairness to either party. [ Not with a guy; can't get a girl.]

Simple thing

Then it would also reminds me that, for me to be happy need not be about all the material stuff.

I miss that 7 years old me big smile, as I can not ever be happier than that particular moments in my life. And all I need is just to see the person I like to see.

So maybe one day I will meet this person, despite the chances are really slim. I mean I am an adult now, I learn to control and conceal my feelings especially I am still living in the closet. For the record of all inappropriate straight girl crushes, I leave the verdict to the juries.

Just like how some animals can be so happy with food and space for them to run around, well of course companion too.


There are times I would like say this again and again. I am never perfect, but I am definitely original.

Getting things personal in real life is hard.

Nevertheless the truth is people tend to feel more compassionate by hearing the story of a person than to look at the result of statistics. That's the power of story telling, it touches people and influences people life, because people take that characters personally.

P/s: I might not feel as conflict when seeing myself as a girl that likes girls anymore. Interestingly I have some difficult moment calling myself a lesbian. I feel better calling the phenomena as being gay. Maybe lesbian still somehow sounded too sexual to me or something else? Perhaps I will figure that out someday.


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