Highlight or faden my gayness

Facebook is an interesting place.

I realised I used the phrase [ Interesting] extensively these days. It shown my efforts to not be judgmental and view everything with funner colour.

Such as, I might say [ This is an interesting point of view,] Sometimes I do feel it is interesting but when I am not, try not to ask me how interesting it is because I do indeed try not to lie.

My brother and sister in law are taking their wedding pictures and I think they are both gorgeous.
 I should be more straightforward when expressing myself. Although being poetic is not a bad thing.

I said facebook is interesting because the messenger apps pops out the old days conversation I had with my ex boyfriend. It happened around 2011. We were best friends back then. I didn't at all remember that conversation actually exist. The content is kind of he cares for my seeking of boyfriends and I asked him to stop minding my business.

I never remember I talked to him in that way before. Now when I look back I feel that I was kinda childish back then. I never do something really stupid like, get really drunk,try drugs,do illegal stuff,get myself in the lock up,or even any one night stand.

Yet I definitely have my childish ways. He did cared for me. Right after the break up I couldn't face him, I can't even deal good with my inner self. And the same rules apply, I cannot find him. I hurt him, intentionally or unintentionally. I should not have got himself involve in a relationship with me. Another part of me tells me that you never intend to hurt him in the first place, you wanted it so much to work but you misestimate stuff.

I have this concern that should I work in a way that I highlight my gayness or not make it a big deal as to how I proceed with my day to day life.

Well it is like why should you highlight it? In what way? Well if I hide it too much it is not that I am going to forget about it instead I will sooner or later be more and more ashamed of who I am. I am different and this is part of me.Some part of me do tell that this is about me and not other people and I should take my time to process things myself and grow into a stronger me to be able to handle it better.

If I were to omit it in my daily life to try to live as if it is not a big deal, it has a logic in it too. LGBTQ+ keep telling society we fall in love with people, not the gender.

Their efforts are not to omit the peculiarity of  LGBTQ+ but to tell the people we are not that different you know?

The interesting thing is, when you tell me if I am who I am I will go to hell. If being who I am meant to bring me into hell after this life, then is trying hard not to be who I am gotta spare me from not living in the hell before this life ends? If somehow I am already in hell and this hell is actually build by you and your people, why should I even subject myself to your designated hell?

I feel that some of this belief, be it religiously or not, tend to split the people and push the people away instead. It split the so called hetersexuality and the other minorities. It pushes anyone other than being pure straight.

I guess they don't really care, do they? I don't hate the religion or religions though. I just think it is the people who uses the religions to oppress other people.

If you want to fall in love, make sure you don't have to hide yourself as who you are to the person you love. It is painful that they walk away and it definitely makes you question your self worth. However what's the point if he or she never get to see who you are or just be in love with the NOT YOU?

People who truly love you will stay regardless what. If they don't, not worth your time anyway right?

When I look back now I wish I had written some crazy diaries for myself. This blog is basically my diary since the end of my high school year and they are not that CRAZY enough. I do not let that part of me out, I always play it safe remember? Until even me myself find it boring now.

So any conclusion for today post? Maybe not.

I am thinking that maybe I should re activate that I am writing one post each day, although I literally have no reader based here. So what this is my blog!

I have to thank the friends who are in my life and teaches me one or two about friendship. Also my perspective change a little on the kind of love I am expecting for myself.

Companionship and chemistry is true but it is also about when you need them, are they here for you. Like you are broke and they feed you. Your car broke down somewhere on the road you called and they help you. You are sick and they literally come and take care of you.

You are definitely not perfect and you show them, they love you just the same. I grow slowly from a theory place that I wish we share almost the same values and get so many things to talk about and be happy together, to another stage that this person know me in the tiniest things and despite things get hard will not stop trying to make me feel okay. 

Overall I want myself to accept the truth that no matter how fancy does love and relationship looks like, there are always about choices to  make and made.


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