I'm drowning

Typing my blog out from iphone 5s and will review them on the next morning. I should be sleeping now but the feelings are overwhelming.

My mood is like a deep dark sea,dark blue.Blue was my favourite colour in kindergarten times.Now I've grown up, my favourite colours remain flexible depending on various factors.

usually its timing thing.I always get this statement that timing is a bitch.My personal experiences inform that it's at least not entirely false.

What are these feelings? Put them into a scene, the world around me is colourful and I'm just a grey shadow moving around.

What happened? Combination of my life,studies,stupid government and exam board. I could have sum up and say I'm lost.

Not all who wander are lost,perhaps I'm.

24 isn't so old,it felt really old. What have I done in my life except studying and I only get shitty results. I fought hard all along.

No,everything I have done do have values,I'm not neglecting that. The question that always came across my mind would be: What's the point?  So what's next? Why do you even care?

Is it because you're afraid that the board won't admit you or you will fail the exam ? Partly.

I don't even know if this is me,is this what I want? It's my pride real or just some stage I decorated for my lies to play perfectly within the frame?

I freaking scare I'm going to live ordinary just like this and this life ends. I'm not afraid of death worse than leading to a tedious life and it's done.What?

I do know my writing is so so therefore I would only publish posts on my blog for my own satisfaction and I'm not going into this be a writer for career thing.

I read an article talking about intrinsic motivators.It means something we forgo through the growing process trying to please people around us.Something we would feel so happy and good without counting on the outcomes. I don't know what is it.

I am not the perfectly kindest person on earth yet I never wish to build my happiness on some other suffering. It might or might not be strange. When all these famous LGBT you tubers are having a life,supporting families,great career,lovely relationships,all that suppose to give people hope lead me into a state of what am I doing now?

I am so scare that things like that would never happen to me. I don't see that coming at all. Am I not good enough to qualify for that? Why?

Devil is everything that you have ever wished for.

Who am I? I don't even know the answer anymore.


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