Out of my league

Good ddd Morning people!

You're right, I am sleepy. It was 7 30 am when I started writing. I forgot I turned off my phone alarm yesterday morning. I woke up 6 05 am then I checked the time, okay not that late still.

Drag my body out went out for a walk. Left house around 6 30 am, eaten a mini banana. Walked for the first time minutes, ran for the subsequent 13 minutes. Resume walking for another 15 minutes. Finally the rains only getting more heavily, last 4 minutes running moment to get back home.

I still love the rain so I am not going to complain.

I should be very honest now, you can ask me anything. I am sleepy--saying it for the second times.

I want this to be a routine thing and a break each week,which should be on Sunday or any other day I see fit.

I like to be flexible but that also mean failure in things I planned out. Diet,work out, failure.

Other things in life such as studies etc, I always have backup plans and it's draining me too. Like I should take rest today but I feel like if I don't grab the time to study, if some emergency break in I will lose up time to study, it can only be remedied if I study more now when I can.

Such scary thought, so freaking frightening.

If nothing went so wrong, I should finish recording the last chapter of Criminal Procedure and finish run though General Paper subjects today, leaving unsure if I would like to record them all.

I wish this new planned healthy lifestyle executed well. The effects I wish to have out of them:-

  • Better skin  -I used to have great skin, now it's just crap
  • Lose enough weight -Life time goal, can't live in denial forever
  • Healthier-quit bad cholesterol. high blood pressure,high blood sugar[ if any]
  • So you can be sure you're really proud of who you are and not because you fake the proud to live in self denial
  • Better sleep and more focus, energetic as a being
Any inspiring thoughts for the day? Okay, I will try.

Love writing needs not necessarily mean I must engage it in a really professional manner. I rarely plan out everything when I write. I just let it flow,let the feelings out and allow my brain to see my thoughts and feelings line out properly and deal with them, in a rather systematic manner.

I have this panic and anxiety and I think it is common among people. I wish those sudden panic and anxiety especially when some emergencies happened that need me to fix them within time limit can be water down and allow my rational being to deal with them,without looking like a mad crap out of no way.

I am still worried about LPQB and cannot stop thinking about how much life changing chances I have give up to stick with my plan, my steady life plan. I started to question if all is worthwhile, as I 
rarely take risks in my life.

I never, I never will.

Life may actually be about breaking those rules I said I never would.

I have nothing really interesting to share with my grandchildren while, well I don't really want kids in this country. My point is life is too plain, and I think I made the choice for it to be ordinary.

If ever there is anything that never changed in me, in terms of wishes. I guess I somehow wish I get rich, so I can travel a lot.

Watching some shocking crime in Asia documentaries yesterday. Incompetence of police investigation, oppression and interference of political power, all this powerful families power games, and cruel deaths without justice forever. That's pretty depressing.

Though we think how civilized we already are. Bad things that we can't imagine that can happen still happening everyday. Not just in Malaysia but in worldwide.

Do I want to be so rich and be the legal heirs in any of this superb powerful families, financially and politically etc?I wouldn't say NO. I only hope they have some respect of gender equality.

I shall be great, I thought. So talented and got invested with so much elegance, proud in me. Being able to travel anywhere, anytime I WANT. I will be the reflection of glory God ever intended to have on a human beings. 

I know, such perfect image and daydream. How about the dark power fight and your half blood siblings are lining up to have you killed? How about we only think about it when it really happens?

I do know I am not a fighter persons. When people walk I just kindly label myself 'NOT INTO THIS, NEVER PERSON OF INTEREST.'

Then I will walk away, even if I do want this thing they are fighting for. Reasons:-
  • I am never good at fighting with tonnes of people and eventually getting 'it'
  • I console myself if it meant to be mine, it eventually should
  • Go pick up something else which is precious to you but not in the wide public eyes
  • Failures are painful and nobody think you're qualify to even 'be in the game'

I can already see the lack of self value and self confidence in there. Worse I would confuse myself with the question of:-
Are you chicken out?                          vs               Do I really want this?

I might be that I actually want it but is too afraid I would fail. I constantly ask myself to stop daydreaming things like that could and would happen on you. Who do you think you freaking are!

Don't really want to blame my family background, but frankly I can see some connection there. You are only a child born out of wedlock, worse you are just a daughter.

I can hear a voice coming from the back of me saying, DON'T LET IT DEFINE YOU.

I know yet I have to state it here to acknowledge it myself as a matter of fact. The battlefield in life is never a fair playground. I am going to repeat it to you again, NEVER.

What's really fair is the end game, we all die.

That's also the reason why I wanted myself to be a Slytherin so much. People think I am going crazy, to want to be selfish, arrogant piece of junk. Even that part look cool to me, do you ever figure out how tiring is it to care about what others think of me, people judge without rationality and simply force their values into your throat and called it ' for your own good'.

I wanted so much not to care and feel unnecessarily.

I like the fact that Slytherin pursue their goal relentlessly and kick out all the obstacles by whatever means. I want that in me, don't back off, see your goal be straight that you want it. Never apologize for wanting something, never sorry for kicking other people ass to get it.

Other people can be ordinary, but definitely not you.

I like to remember, everybody struggles for different things in life. Just not everyone get over their struggles, not every struggles would end.

Slytherin is competitive in the mortal dictionary, can I ever be competitive? Yes, I can be confident and established without being competitive. Just what good things on earth wouldn't be full of competitors wanting to get it?

Are you going to walk away again and tell yourself to get something cool too with nobody/ less people fighting with you? So the chances of you getting it will be so much higher?

This somehow made me looking into 'special things' and like to be in the minorities here and there.

I am indeed special, yet a part of me do fall in the majority group and something is driving me away from joining the game and fight with the lions in the freaking jungle.

I get that you are not good at confrontation. You are not good at taking it straight in your face. 

Do not let 'it' get to you. Do not let 'them' make you ordinary.

P/s:Made your weaknesses a gold, Armour them.


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