WHO I AM

I actually forgot to update my blog on Tuesday. I am doing it on wednesday instead.

I have to switch on my laptop once a day to make sure I remember to update my blog.

My day isn't glorious or fun at all. I am thinking this is just like how usual people life be like. Maybe the thing is I never wanted to be ordinary, from day one I sorted out the usual life process.

Namely fall in love, married, bear children and retired. I feel sick of them, right before I know what is gay or the definition of sexual orientation.

But I never realised how hard things can be at that age. These drama I watched gave me the false impression. That I would be easily achieve something, like the leading actors used only 3 years to get the wealth of most people have been fighting for the rest of their life and still never get it.

Strong isn't just what come out from your mouth. Bravery isn't something you act when nobody is around.It is easy to say than to be done.

I am sitting right in front of my desk and thinking, well I never live through poverty, never actually got starve so badly that I have got malnutrition. I have not yet to experience the extreme and I don't really want to.

Emotion collapse and struggle are real too. Only that I have never really gone to the dark side.

If you act good and kind believe you do not want to get punish in your AFTERLIFE. Is it still kindness?

I did tried to study for a bit, but never as aggressive as I did in the beginning, much of my fuel has been consumed and overhaul I guess. If you pass it, you get to chamber and it will be a whole new world for you. Why wouldn't you be exciting about it?

1. I don't think or feel like I can do it. I can keep motivating myself but the feeling I have will never fade away. For that one minute I just want to look at my feeling and say : Yes, I know you exist. I am not going to find other things to cover you up.

2.If I chamber and all great, all I want is leave this country and be in England. Not be a successful lawyer or whatsoever in Malaysia. To be really honest if I were all that superb straight I might not care as much, I am fucking gay or at least bi [ Haven't found that potential yet but still to keep myself open minded].This is a country that consensual sex between two adult male known sodomy and amounted to imprisonment. Oral sex can put you behind bar too.Crazy!

3.I feel bad that I am not a LGBTQ+ activist and advocate. I want myself to be brave and fight for their right when I was a kid, long before I actually confirmed of my own sexuality. Then what am I doing now, mostly closeted. I do know this is what I have to do for myself, to keep it private. First, it is nobody business out there and I need to weight my benefit to balance things out.

4.I might get struck off the roll as being gay or just don't find anyone to hire me and stuff just because I am gay. As times passes I generally feel sexuality is nonsense, people are just people. However the fear doesn't go away. I wish to be the one who stand firm on my ground and be the source of courageous to the LGBTQ+ yet I am not doing it.

If I am being honest, these are the reasons I somehow feel unhappy deep inside and lack the motivation to live [ to some extent].

Being gay in this country isn't like I don't have food, clothes, shelter and everything, like what is the big deal? Still I have to say it does mean something.

For the record I am not the most selfless person in this world, MAYBE in my neighborhood. And I always feel guilty for not fighting for the LGBTQ+ rights. You might say, one day....

ONE DAY, you might be standing at England, live there, and be just WHO YOU ARE there.

Never take things for granted. To be who you are isn't as easy as how you think  it is and can be. It will be the happiest day in my life to be able to just be WHO I AM,face straight to be the world and not like it is a big deal.

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