Will I ever stop struggling

Almost forgot to update my blog today. Just attended my 9 am to 6 pm classes. I skipped classes for whole week except this today,which is Sunday,last day of the week.

This morning I actually struggle to wake up,I feel like if I skip so what? I know it is kind of a bad thought.

I think I have been living in this lies for so long. I always wanted to migrate and get a job in England, have a simple life there with my love ones.

I started to acknowledge that all the patience is only made up my lies. I could have waited forever and nothing will happen.

I almost forgot to update my blog today but when I switched on my laptop then I got reminded by my brain.

What is next then? I keep telling myself get through CLP, and you can decide later what you want to do.

I left the ' usual gang' and stay alone in class, Bing promised she will come for today class but didn't. It is not a big deal, I am suppose to be able to stay alone. Slytherin has got some very bad reputation and I know by heart I am a Ravenclaw by deeper research on it.

I want my part of Slytherin to grow big. So what I don't care about what others like me, or befriend me? I will still be friendly and make friends but if walk away is good for me, just walk away.

The priority has to be me, ME.

If you feel like it is the right thing to do for yourself, do it and no explanation or validation is needed from anybody.

Yes, I wish to get rich and most of my dreams will be fulfill. No, I don't think money is evil. Just like power, it depends how you use it.

I even think Slytherin has loyalty but only to the group of their own and what is right with knowing what you want and do whatever there is in your power to grab it. If I am honest about myself, I want so much and I keep being tell to be grateful and I think this should be an internal feelings than those to be impose on me by external forces.

I am certainly not evil, but in the dark sides there is power I will not denied its temptation have on me.

Without kindness corruption and oppression are certain with power. Without power kindness is merely a lies or imagination.

I have a friend that asked for my twitter and blog and I decided not to give her. If I did she will know of my sexuality. It is not like end of the world, she is not a bad person. I just feel she isn't the person I want the info to be leak to. I don't think I need to justify my decisions. Just told her that place is kind of private.

Slytherin has pride on their origin, which I don't. They definitely have something they are really proud of and I have to find it within me.

A lecturer told me who her siblings are all scholarship holder and her father a physics master holder and she kept failing her maths,physic,etc in her high school days.Then she struggle until she got into University Malaya for LLB. She said her Form 6 grade isn't that good anyway.

She is the only first class graduate on her batch. She said she finally found it when she started the course, something she never has to struggle so hard and keep failing.

That should be motivating yet it scares me. I still struggle a lot and I know I always will still be. I have not find my true calling? I don't know what it is.


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