Goodbye 2017

I'm currently having Momo sitting on my lap when I am writing this. In case if you don't know who is Momo.

The Cat is Momo, and the dog is Dolly.

I think it is time for me to write something to conclude 2017. I forgot if I did the same thing for 2017 during end of 2016. I do not bother to check. 

I have friends who told me many people simply give up the habit of writing a blog. When I first started I think to keep it forever, although I have no idea if I could.  From 2010 Dec until now, about 7 years. I wish there will be another 7 years to go. At least this blog grows with me.

The one big thing I must achieve in 2017 has been achieved. I recon I didn't land flawlessly, it is kind of an ugly landing. Good thing is I made it. Therefore Christmas of 2017 I do not have to use it to study and make handwriting notes myself.

Unfortunately the living healthy and eat healthy goal does not seem to be in progress. I do not understand why 2017 me just couldn't wake up early and run around to feel healthy.

In other part of my life, I think little bit by little bit I do get to know myself better. I made mistakes and when I don't things can still mess up. I haven't quit the habit of worrying, anxiety and blaming myself for whatever that goes wrong. Those confusion of moment like have I cause this, still keep on happening.

Sometimes I just wanna chill and get to know people with no agenda or expectation. Turns out it is kind of hard. I tend not to expect much from relationship these days, yet I definitely couldn't stop people from expectation or anything else. I seriously forbidden myself to start anything I have doubt to complete. 

Parents side nothing much has changes, but I am growing up and they're growing older, in addition weaker. I had another dream last night, something bad happened to my parents and they are gone. I feel so sad in my dream and blame myself for not spending my time with them in the last few days of their life. When I woke up I knew that is just a dream.

There are so many times that I hated my family, like I deserve better than this. Then my heart soften, I didn't leave. Family taught me love in a very strange way. I am not sure if anyone love me like that, I am never rebellion and I always thought being rebellions will cause my family to disown me. I never try to challenge the limit of my parents' tolerance.

However I do feel that I love them very much, not without the terrible moments of hating everything. I just sincerely care for them apart from the really angry moments. I stay, I couldn't bear to abandon them or to hurt them. It isn't something forceful to me to do it. On the contrary it is forceful for me to say very direct and honest comments that I know would hurt them.

I feel it is stupid to care so much while others certainly do not share the same concern. Nevertheless I have to be myself, and this is pretty much who I am. Just like I said, I hate the character of Batman, acted as if he is so noble and suffer for all that. After all you are just a human, you are rich so just go enjoy your life. Then turns out my MBTI test type and Batman is of the same. I thought my type change after everything, I feel different. In a nutshell I take the test again, I am just still the same type, INFJ.

Maybe it is true that something just never change.

I recalled Kylo Ren saying let the past die. Kill it, if you have to.

My past should die. I am already in a new stage of life. For 2018 I do not know what to expect. I have got to work, and I am not absolutely sure if I made the right move not to go into the chamber yet. I thought I have made the move, thus I should keep moving.

I do not have an exam that I must pass now. Dreadfully I may wanna start studying for a master, only problem is I am broke now. Otherwise I would immediately jump into another sequence of torture. 

Between Slytherin and Ravenclaw I do think I belong to Raven. I like the harsh and individualist approach of Slytherin, yet I always care too much. I am more of a neutral person, I do not like to step on people to get what I want. I always want to find a way to create  a win win situation.

There is always at least two contradictions in me. One is who I am, another is who I want to be or more specifically who I wish I am. I often confuse the two.

It is true that you can be who you want to be, from who you are right now. Thing is I try to fool myself into who I want to be as who I already am. Sometimes it works for some people.

Yet I just thought why not embrace yourself for who you are. Ravenclaw has amazing and charming characters and you don't like to be in a battlefield fighting with everyone to get on the throne. If I must win, I would fight hard silently myself hoping I get what I want eventually.

I want to stay making a choice that I am Who I am. Everyone seems to expect something from me, I got so much distractions that end up I am lost. I don't want to be anyone else, I don't want to be who people expect me to be. I am just me.

Hereby I would like to quote my favourite sum up in JUSTICE LEAGUE:

“The truest darkness is not absence of light but the conviction that light will never return… But the light always returns…  Hope is real.  You can see it.  All you have to do is look up into the sky.”

Anything else would be, I do hope my life has a background music just like what the characters in Jumanji (2017) have.

P/s: I can't be the happiest person you ever met, I doubt deeply if I ever have one single moment that is just full of joy I say I can never be happier than that. My kind of joy if it is a crazy pink bubble, it definitely always follow a shade of darkness.


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