Let go

There are some happy moment. My mum finally got discharge, despite the doctor's advice is for her to stay for another 1 week. Too many things happened in 2017. Especially this month, or maybe I already get used to the pattern.

Fight with a nurse(not me), deal with things I do not even consider a relevant and valid chaos.

She is still on medication and attentive care is required. At least she is discharge and there are times she likes it home. Emotionally it is very mess up, worried, anger, sorrow,fluctuation, insecure,confuse and unpredictable.

Pain is inevitable, but suffering is an option. Those who say that could possibly be lying.

I am pessimistic. Sometimes a humorous pessimistic. I try to pick some good things in life to remind myself of the possible greatness life can possibly bring.

My new bought laptop has a hardware defect on the screen. I was really annoyed last week. I called Hp Malaysia and they promised to repair it for me, free of charge. They did today, which I am very grateful. Thank God it is still under warranty and warranty is not a myth.

Next good thing is I watched Justice League (the movie), my MBO cinema birthday free movie ticket. Initially I aimed for either Star War or Jumanji as well, then they are new movies that are out of my league.

I like Justice League, even more than Avengers. Although Batman and Superman ain't exactly my thing. I find Wonder Woman and Aqua Man damn cute. Attractive and classic. Please don't match Wonder Woman with anybody, it is better that way.

My bar exam result isn't out yet. The whole hospitalized episode gave me strong dose to distract myself from the result release anxiety.

I had attended a couple of interviews. I wish I get the RHB job, not like I really like it. I think I have to start somewhere. It is better for me to leave things behind and start things as an indication of a new page of life.

I feel that there is too much to bear. One of the reasons that I hate competition so much is because I almost never win in anything. My parents always choose others than me. It starts there and I never secure maybe because of it.

Expectation hurts so badly. It doesn't kills, it does more harm than that. There are people who tell me I shouldn't expect. Hope, but do not expect.

I tried really hard to pull things together, and when my mum said my sister is the best loyal and hardworking daughter (of course filial piety) among us, I told myself not to compare. There is no competition to win of. You avoid competition your whole life, if you could. I guess if I am being honest, some part of me hurts. I feel silly and unnecessary.

I do not like to feel weak, yet I always feel it that way. Weak and vulnerable to feelings and emotions.

The feelings that it would never be good enough are so overwhelm that I can't explain it.

It is ashamed as an adult to still feel that way. It is like you can never break that cycle of feelings. They don't just hunt you, they strangle you, leave you breathless. One day you look into the mirror you realized you never recognize yourself or the world surrounding you. It is as if you are drowning but you didn't struggle, because you didn't find a need to.

Tears just sweep down from your eyes and it all happens so naturally, as if it is the weather, rain drops on the windscreen of your car then it all falls into the box of memories, sealed and forgotten.

I am not looking for anyone to blame. If I may, I wish I always get to forgive myself for everything.

Sometimes I look into the mirror and speaks to it : let go of yourself.

Why is it so hard, to just let go? Why do I feel such a huge burden on my shoulder?

Have I not warn you? The biggest prison in this world is the desire of recognition from others.

I can only do so much as to not let anyone feel the same I feel. I tried, yet not knowing if I had try it hard enough.

No body think the feelings I have is a thing. At least my family disregard that. I have real issue to focus on, real thing to do and I just allow myself to immense in all these ramping emotions.

I sound sad, right? Maybe this is just the state I am in? I don't know, it feels like forever. That way I feel closer to batman, I don't even like him.

One last thing, I received a parcel today claiming it is a paid iphone. I haven't open it, while a few close friends of mine knew and advised me to do so. It is my phone so I am the rightful owner to open it, they said.

Technically that is true, but who am I to deserve this mysterious gift out of nowhere? It is a great temptation, way beyond words capable of description. It is free, it is an iphone and it should be all I ever wanted.

I sometimes blame myself for being materialistic and greedy. Things I want are all expensive or just out of my league.

Then I struggle a lot but so much less than the other things that I am struggling with now and ever.

I don't deserve this thing, when I have it, the moment I am holding it, I got this thought that someone might have expect out of it. It is the expectation of something I can not give. If I take it, I am meant to fail another person besides failing myself.

I don't understand why do I even care? You are in a mess up state that I do not even want to look at and you just can't happily take a gift and be exciting about it for a second? Why are you making yourself so miserable?

But since when what is not yours becomes yours? Since when your anger, insecurity and negative self become a justification to cause despair in giving people any piece of false hope into something you know you are not capable of returning the favor?

When I said it, the voice behind my mind keep shouting: SHUT UP, YOU LUNATICS!

That could just be a lucky draw gift or things like that. You didn't finish a survey intending to get a free iphone. Could that be?

I just can't afford in causing any more chaos in my life for taking in a gift like that without questioning.

Hereby, I would say, send me the residential address and I can post back to you and . I can't afford to make you think it means something if I take it. Thanks for the gift.

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