The Last Jedi [ Not a movie review]

Hi, I might not have intend to update my blog so soon. Not like I set a update frequency for myself, I just didn't thought the feeling will visit me that often.

I have always felt the phrase of [ Inspiration ] for writers, as if we waited our whole life for that one moment, our satellite would receive this great thing and from there we made our excellent production of work.

Then when I grow older, it takes so much more than that. It is constant and persistent of hard work to keep pushing in order for you to get somewhere. You don't work on the days that you feel like your inspiration gives you a spark. You work everyday and hopeful when the feelings hit you, your skills can match with the inspiration, that you deserve all the great things out of it.

I am not sure why I start off bragging about all these now.

There is so much feelings after I watched {Star War: The Last Jedi}. Honestly I never quite interested in the whole Star War series thing. I thought it is so much cliche. I do not admire the classic series that much. I watched the { Star War : Force Awaken} on television and it was okay to me.

Something interesting happened in the latest series that I just watched at the cinema. I do not intend this post to be an ultimate spoiler, in addition this is not meant to be a movie review anyway.

The villains intention in what they do always isn't something I am capable of comprehension.  In my understanding, Kylo Ren's way to becoming the strongest ruler is to abandon all of his weakness, that includes family. Rey herself wanted to believe there is a purpose of her existence, that her parents is something and never abandon her.

Let go of the past. If you have to, kill it.

That message gets me just a little. What get me most is the sacrifice resistance keep on having, the girl who sacrificed herself so that the ship unlock the bomb and save everyone else. The commander who left behind on the lead ship and did a suicidal attack to the opponent's ship then saving the remaining members of resistance.

To achieve something so good, inevitably sacrifice has to be made.  This gets me slightly more. I asked myself, will I be willing to take part in such action if it means to save the bigger picture with no guarantee of succeed.

I would say it really depends. As a skeptic to some extent I kind of think many belief has its own flaws and someone is behind to use that belief to fool us. I will not willingly be a puppet for someone or some group of people. That is the last thing I wanna be in this universe.

Yet if by sacrificing my own life at a moment I can save people, people who are vulnerable and needed help, I will think it is worth it. I rather use my life to save, than to kill, if I may.

Looking at my life now, should I be happy? I think I can never be happy that way.

My mum is on a not so good condition. Her medication develops side effects that caused her body itchy almost all the time. Medication that can apply on her skins do not seem to work well. She has coughing, uneasy feelings on the back of her kidney. Good thing is that no sign of fever yet. She is very drowsy due to the medication. She must finish the antibiotics until this Friday and I have to send her back to the hospital for follow up.

As for my dad's side, he will always be complaining about how unwell he feels and need me to send him here and there, waited there. Personally I find all that efforts meaningless, maybe that's the last straw he is holding on, to keep him alive. The belief that some day all the pains on his body will gone and he will be young again. Unfortunately I do not share that belief.

My brother is very busy with his wedding preparation and work as well, I guess. He just try to contact and said I should talk to him on phone when mum isn't around. It sounds serious otherwise he could just have leave a message. By receiving that message it stirs something in me for a bit.

That thought of why can't this universe just leave me alone for awhile? Someone, something must come to my door. I like to say there is indeed too much on my plate. This saying isn't gonna change anything.

I waited for long enough and nothing changes. I forgot when were all these started? I wonder what went wrong? Is that one mistake I made or collection of mistakes I recklessly or cowardly made? If that's the case, how do I overturn the mistakes and fix it all?

My friend told me, nothing is my fault. Things happened. Things gotten out of control.

Maybe I shouldn't be waiting for anything to happen. There is no way back. The pace of my life is like a movie like, you give a split second of moment to breathe and the intensity raises again. I can't use the split second to worry about what comes next or how should I serve everyone right.

I can't use that second to consider all the possibilities of how things can went wrong or to blame myself  for not foresee that.

I only have that one second, I can be selfish about it. Be brave, I know it is very hard. I know you do not like direct confrontation, you hate to reject people or face a confrontational fight and you also hate doing what others expect from you but you hate to do it, Then you hate from feeling all guilty about the unpleasant consequences. Twisted and fucked up.

I try to be fair, I don't want help from people whom I know their favour couldn't be repay by me. All the balancing ends up in sort of isolation for me. I do not like to intentionally take advantage from people, I hate myself for doing that. I thought, where comes all these righteousness from you? Could it possibly be necessary to strangle and kill yourself for all that?

This Thursday my resit result is going to be out. I tried my best to have the least emphasis on its importance to me. It is like a bomb and I know I try my best but I can't run from it. Then if it explodes I want to minimize the harm it could cause me.

If this is how it is now, I will pick up the fight as it is. I pray for strength and courage to face this storm, all of it and please do not make me bow before my failures. I pray for the strength to resist all the temptations and do the right thing above all may have cost me.

P/s: I still need to send the phone back, so please do me a favor. That box is occupying space on my desk and doing nobody any good.


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