Love and respect are different things

So, FAMILY?

I have a question for you. What do you think of family? The first thing should be how your family makes you feel?

I just spent my Friday night having dinner with my parents. I have to admit that I don't dig it. Family relationship has been a weird conflict for me.

I think it is until you find out how others parents are behaving then you can slowly figure out how special your family composition, interactions, values, behaviors all that are, compared to your peers.

At least that is how I learned and come about it. Maybe not to share too much details here.

I would solemnly conclude my parents are never the perfect parents. I never for once, even thought as a child consider them to be a perfect role model and I truly admire them. I never consider marrying someone like my parents or be like any of them.

That could, or could not be strange, depending what kind of person you are and what kind of parents you have. Diversity rule these days, isn't it?

First, I have defend them for a bit. There is no physical abusive relationship in my house. My parents are there and still there, if I am sick I still look for them. My mum would cook me food. The examples I am giving is so stupid. My point is they never abandon me. That is not what a parent should do, to abandon their child. Nevertheless it is something people do. I want to give credit to them for that. Part of the reason I got to have a law degree and passed my certificate of legal practice is because I am not an orphan. My life is lots more easier compare to some people who have to fight for themselves, for everything.

The bad part is, the things they said or did in the past still haunt me now. Currently their actions, speech, judgement still give me a hard time. Once in awhile I would think of the occasions in the past and realized how much damage has been caused without them even acknowledge them.

Some may say, just let it go. Let the past die. I like to counter that to comment it is not that easy. You never want them to haunt you in the first place. You never thought they are so strong until countless time of fighting and retreat.

I might not have share this with many people, I definitely do not talk about it. It was some time ago. Primary school days I was the victim of a sexual molestation case. It happened near the school compound and the principal of that time lodged a police report. The whole school know about it and I was under some kind of pressure. I wasn't the only victim, I just wasn't sure exactly what is happening and what's going to happen. I didn't tell my parents after it happens.

Strangely after the other victims actually told their parents and during assembly the principal asks for remaining victims to come on stage, I did. I wasn't thinking something really bad happened to me. I just thought yes that date that time the description of event fit what happened to me, so I confessed.

Things changes rapidly beyond my comprehension. I have to leave class frequently to get on the principal's car and get to the police  head office, all the criminal procedures follows. I need to give my statements, I need to do ID parade, there is so many things and so overwhelm. I was scared and helpless to some extent. Every time I talked about it, something inside me hurts.

My parents hurt me. I can get that the people would hurt me by the words, the look and all that but I guess my parents hurt me the most. My mum first reaction of knowing the news is questioning my motive of confessing the incident.
[ Are you lying about this?]
That's the first thing she asked. Then she got mad because the troubles come with the need to deal with the explanation to others how I am a victim in this case and my frequent visit to the police station. I know something was off and I wanted to fix it. I try to act happily and nobody asks me if I am okay. I have to be okay or my parents may disown me for bringing such disgrace to the family. I wish that time the future me could travel back in time and hug the past me and said,[ It is never your fault. You have done nothing wrong. I know you wish you could time travel and stop yourself from exposing yourself to the crowds that you were there when that happened to you, so your parents won't hate you. Do not think it that way. For if the whole world may have hated you or abandoned you, you are still worth loving and I love you.]
I attended those child psychologist consultation session. It was the most fun part throughout the criminal prosecution process. Then I remembered when I got home I told my mother how good it is I get to walk around the house and there is toys and nice food there. She replied with a strict face and voice, saying [ Who on earth would be so insane to like a place like that? That is for sexual victim and don't tell me you enjoy being one. If you like it there you might as well get pack and stay there. I got so freaking annoyed hearing all your bullshit.]

It is painful after so many years I still remember every single details of it all. I feel that it never leaves me. I am not sure if writing it out repeatedly is going to help but there are times I just feel like I need to get it out. I thought to myself, if you are ever going to have a kid of your own, guard their innocent spirit at all cost. Love them, trust them, don't judge them or belittle them. If they could not get the attention or love from you, chances are they will seek it else where and you do not want them to end up craving it from the wicked assholes.

Is there a point of writing this post and shed all those tears?

I don't know. I hate to feel all of these. I hate to feel everything. What trigger me to revisit all of them is a tiny push of the day. Long story short, I got sicked in office and my colleagues had to sent me to hospital and contacted my family this week. It was a few days ago and tonight my parents talked about it, I was in the car. They literally talked about it in front of my face. I changed the subject when I was confronted with it, typical me style right?

Mum said to dad that my sister told her she doesn't know what is wrong with me. Everyone would have to face stress at work. We all have been through that. And this is the way she cope with it? She already doesn't has friends and now working is such a pain in the ass for her. How does she even survive like that?

I feel something inside me sting. I told myself to switch it off, nothing they said matters. They do that all the time. Compare you with your siblings, with everyone you know or not knowing. It doesn't matter if your sister really say that. The truth is you can't let it happened to you. You are stronger than you were.

I keep telling myself you have all the right to do all you want, even if it means you hurt someone or destroy someone. It is. Your really don't need anyone to like you, not even your family. For God sake they should love you for who you are. Not judging you, criticize you and belittle you every chance they got. Even if it can be for the sake of pushing you to grow up.

They have to grow up. You are a better person than them.

You feel what you feel. If you can support others to be strong and tell them they are worth it, so can you do it to yourself.

You have to stop accepting what others say and think of you. We are family that's why we are honest with you? It still hurts and it is not okay.

I know I will have to tell you a million times for you to get better, then I will not stop telling you every single time until you're strong enough and no longer need my reminder.

Nobody get to tell you what you are feeling is right or wrong. Do not let them. You love them, but not like that.

Love and respect is different.  If it hurts, let it hurts for a good reason. One thing I learn from my sickness this time is, if your body isn't in that much pain then the other suffering is actually bearable. You can get over it. Wounds do heal , it just takes time.

I always try to think in other people shoes and forgive them maybe? If anger is the effect of defence mechanism psychologically when someone is hurt. The anger I have toward them getting lesser along the year.

I believe that the most generous gift you can ever give to someone is patience and forgiveness. Then you should give it to yourself first, and not to the others. If there is only so much you have, don't share it at all.

True happiness is freedom to choose. You may not always get to choose, but you have to start from the belief that your life is yours to navigate. Be brave and read to fall. You could be extraordinary.


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