I can't write

I look at my laptop today, and I thought I am sorry. I haven't been making much use of you. I love the way the keyboard works. I love typing on my laptop keyboard and started writing.

I forgot the transition period from handwriting to keyboard typing. The days I used to manually insert papers full of my handwriting to an envelope and post it to the Newspaper publisher.

I am usually a person with a plan and I do not take much risk. It can be boring. However for writing I rarely plan things out in my mind. I never have a draft version for the script. Be it in an exam or any writing occurs in my life.

Some told me, your writing has no focus. Your writing isn't organised. The messages you're trying to deliver are vague and disorientated.

I never quite take it seriously. My tiny little fragile ego gets hurt easily and all it ever does is simply walk away.

What does writing mean to you? If you were to be honest with me.

I forgot how long has it been, I can confirm it's not lesser than a year, I couldn't write. I can still answer my exam papers. Other than that I can't write,

I could have sat in front of my laptop, starring at the screen for hours, nothing come out. 

I do not know how much I indeed value writing to myself. I do get that the frustration is great when I can't write at all. It is like I am disable now. Not everyone can understand that.

Then I asked, why you never treat writing seriously? Like you do not plan out the sequence, the paragraph, ways to stress your points, make your writing something strategic and rather presentable?

I thought I know the answer. That's the risk I am willing to take. The risk is minimal. I give my writing the control, to lead me to wherever it wants, to reveal things within and with out me.

Have I ever told you I have different personalities when I write using different language, such as Mandarin and English.

Again I have no idea where this writing would lead to. By writing this sentence, I do not know what would turn up next. Perhaps that's an adventure for me.

What I mean by I can't write is the feeling that nothing flow out of me naturally like it did before. Roughly it may acts like the world is still running on its own pace, you stopped and watched yourself stopped. There is another you watching yourself, but you can't do anything to that [ yourself] which simply freeze there.

I thought, why can't you believe in yourself?Serious stuff, really, WHY?

The thought that I can't write anymore paralyze me. I struggled then I gave up. I told myself to take a break. Now, I am trying again. 

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