Let the pass die.If you must, kill it

How do I ever live with it? This life.

I know. You have shelter. You have family that care for you. You have some friends. You have a bright future ahead of you. You can be a lawyer, and life has so much more to offer. You are talented. You can be anything.

There are times I have this immerse hopelessness in me. It is like you are walking in the sea. Your mind at times can get cloudy. You lose focus way too soon. If there isn’t some form of excitement or fun that keep inside my mind, I do not find any strength to do anything productive. I just want to lie there and be dead. Another part of myself hate it so much, you cannot just not do anything.

I can’t deal with any religious thought for more than 10 seconds. I could have burn them all. Rational side of me told me to calm down and walk away whenever I can, do not cause a mess. You still need to live in this world. If you are dead tomorrow then doesn’t matter what you did today.

I wanted to deal with my EPF nomination and got two witnesses to attest my will, but I didn’t do it. It would cause such unnecessary big reaction of course.

You would think I didn’t try to help myself or allow others to help you. I in fact have no intention to debate with anyone of you.

Any minor thing in life could trigger something in me. I am so tired fighting all those feelings.

Everything I do or not do. Every step I take, at least someone would get affected. I hate it. It is all me. And if I screw up anything, someone must be there to deal with the mess. The only way to stop and break the routine is nonexistence.  How does someone just disappear on earth?

Except death, I could think of no other ways. Death is painful, most of those methods are painful. If I eventually got save, it is a crime to suicide. And insurance claims would all fail.

I have my good times which I am feeling not that bad. But I know it will fade soon enough. Everything is nothing but a void.

If anyone come asking me why you think it is a void? I wanted to say, what makes you think it is not. All the seemingly positive thoughts like we all have a purpose, even someone is being extremely rude to us it is because their purpose is to help us. I would smirk so hard hearing all that, but I wouldn’t tell anyone because if it works for you, who am I to crush all these things that mean the world to you.

By the way why is anyone business ever my problem? It is as if I do not have enough on my plate to deal with. People can die and no one care.

Whenever someone told me their problems and suffering, it causes me pain. Whenever I feel that I do not care it gives me a form of empowerment. I wanted to stick with that. But I should wear a mask in real life. Be cheer, be happy and funny and caring. This is what social life demand of us. I hate it so much.

Another thing I hate is that noisy environment including family, babies trigger my anger. My dad triggers my anger badly too. But I think loud music in a pub and lots of drinking wouldn’t. I simply wanted to lose myself, but I hate my mind is too clear. It may be dangerous, you have important things to do tomorrow, you might get into troubles.

Why is there still a reputation to hold on to? Because you still need to live this life.

There is no need for hope. Such a pathetic imaginary thing created by humans. Nothing in this life could ever excite me again, not the food. Not some movies I used to really like. Not reading, not writing, not anything anymore. Everything have already turned into ashes to me.

But if you may turn this cruel and selfish you into you, let the past die, tame your anger and use it for your own empowerment, then you may make this life great for you. This life would work out. You will require a lot of pretending, just like an actor, just like how great the acting skill you father had though he totally messed up, then you can own this life.

The next thing you need is do. Be brave and even you need to do it alone, you do it nonetheless. You do not approval or anything in your life, do everything just for yourself. There must still be something you want, even there is none, playing with something could be fun.

Remember, no judgement, plain fun and excitement.

Winnie, let the past die. If you must, kill it.


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